I really, really DETEST Harry Potter. Yes, I know it is not fashionable these days to say how much you hate Harry Potter. Better to feign ennui and move on to the Da Vinci Code.
Although I harbour a little bit of antipathy for Dan Brown and his screenplays, it is mostly just for appearances. At least it keeps its target audience quiet in aeroplanes and other places I don't want to hear them talking loudly about the latest issue of TV Times or Hello ("My goodness, hasn't that Andie MacDowells put on weight", they squeal to each other, "she must be up to four stone by now. She looks absolutely terrible", before swallowing whole the sixth Subway Footlong they just found nestling in their sweaty rolls of lard).
But each and every installment of Harry Bloody Potter that J K Rowling farts at the world from her enormous mansion in the sky has been an abomination. Just hearing some poor misguided soul reel off the unofficial motto of the series - "at least it's got people reading" drives me to fury. Yeah, and we could feed starving children Chicken McNuggets with ground glass and rat poison. "At least it will get them eating".
posted by Matt Black at 4:49 PM
1 Comments:
OK, update - something on the internet at http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/wang.php replacing instances of 'wand' with 'wang', by someone calling himself JonJon. Very juvenile, very funny:
"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything
A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "
Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls
"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang
Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.
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